Never Never, Never
by hearttospillonthepages
Summary: When Dave Strider finds a young troll in the streets, he knows his roommates Karkat Vantas and John Egbert will have mixed feelings. But the three of them must work together to help raise and care for Feferi, all the while juggling their many complicated personal relationships.
1. Chapter 1

You hadn't intended on bringing a troll home. It wasn't what you wanted to do. But the poor girl looked so helpless, like she hadn't eaten a meal in weeks. You had to help.  
"John, Karkat, I brought you guys a present," you call to your roommates. Karkat wasn't going to be happy. Nevertheless, you arrange a few pillows and lay the tiny girl on the couch. She smiles a bit, her eyes half closed in much needed rest, and you pull a blanket over her limp body. She's wearing a tight black dress ripped in a few places that not-so-proudly shows off the gills on her sides, and those weird fins on her neck are flushed bright pink.  
"What the fuck did you do, Dave" an angry voice shouts from the doorway. "A troll?! You bought a troll?! How much did it cost you?Where's its cage!"  
You cringe and stare at Karkat through your shades. You have no answer for his questions, and now he's just going to yell at you all day. Be cool, Dave, you tell yourself. Just be cool.  
You don't have time to think of a witty remark, however, before John bursts out of his bedroom. "She's so cute!"  
You just stare in awe and disbelief as John runs to the kitchen and pulls a half-eaten piece of cake out of the fridge. "She looks hungry! Did you find her on the street? I wonder why anyone would abandon such an adorable troll!"  
You sort of back away and watch as Karkat and John lean over the couch and begin fussing with her hair, adjusting her pillows, and shouting questions at you. Eventually, you give in. "I found her in an alleyway. She looked really scared, so I calmed her down, picked her up, and brought her here. That's all. Big whoop."  
Karkat shakes his head. "I've got to get to work, so if you two want to obsess over this troll, fine. I'm not paying for anything. Nothing. I'll just be here to laugh when you majorly fuck up and realize how stupid this was."  
John frowns as Karkat slams the door. "He's so mean sometimes," he complains. "We have to nurse her back to health! I'll go look it up. Wait here in case she wakes up!"  
You awkwardly kneel at the side of the couch as John bolts back into his room. The little girl really is a sad sight, her long hair tangled with her horns, the webs between her fingers ripped, her grey skin mottled with pink scars. She couldn't be more than eight. It struck you just then, the horrible cruelty towards animals. Terrifying. The poor, troubled darling.  
Just then, the girl's eyes opened drowsily, and her dry lips parted. "Water," she muttered in a helpless but sweet voice. "Water... please."  
You are a bit alarmed to hear an animal talk, but nonetheless run to the kitchen. Turning the tap on, you fill two shot glasses with water, figuring they'd be the easiest for her to drink from.  
She's propped herself up against the arm of the couch, and her eyes light up when she sees the water. Her little hands reach out, stretching towards the glasses. You help her hold one of them and watch as she sips the water.  
"Saltwater?" she asks, one eyebrow slightly raised.  
"No," you shakily reply. Why would you give her saltwater?  
"Can I have saltwater?"  
Right then, John walks in, laptop in hand. He lights up almost exactly like her when he notices the troll awake. Hurrying over, his face is indescribably similar to what it looked like the first time he saw a double rainbow. He obviously wants to squeeze her cheeks and mumble baby words, and that is the most adorable thing you can conceive.  
"It's better to have saltwater," she informs you weakly. "I don't know why. It's good."  
You frown. It's nice that she's talking, because it means she's healthy enough to at least communicate, but doesn't saltwater dehydrate you?  
"She's right, Dave," John informs you, already in the kitchen pouring salt into a pitcher of water. "She's a seadweller. Seadwellers naturally benefit more from saltwater than fresh water."  
The girl sits up more, beaming from ear to ear. "Yes! I'm right! Can I... Can I have that cake?"  
You awkwardly hand her the piece of cake John pulled out earlier. Yes, awkwardly. It's just John, you don't have to go over the top with the Strider coolness.  
John shouts at you about all the other things he looked up about trolls, but you are busy focusing on the little girl as she pulls the cake apart with her fingers and stuffs as much into her mouth as she can, trying to gather the crumbs off of the couch. She doesn't look too unused to being fed scraps of food out of an unidentified hand, which leads you to wonder how many owners she's had. Poor girl.  
John walks over and sits next to her. "I brought you some saltwater." A natural at this. Obviously. You're lucky to have him around.  
"Thank you," she says politely before taking a large gulp from the glass of water. "What's your name?"  
She seems really polite, which kind of contradicts everything you'd ever been told about trolls. Emotionless beasts your ass.  
"I'm John, and this is Dave," John answers slowly.  
"John and Dave," she muttered to herself. "I'm Feferi Peixes!"  
"Well, Feferi," you say, sitting next to John. "We're going to take care of you. You're not going to end up alone like that ever again."  
"Never?"  
"Never, never."


	2. Chapter 2

You patiently knock on the door. Dave's been pestering you a lot lately, and it doesn't help that now he's adopted a troll. Ugh. You already have enough of those in your life.  
The door swings open and a cheerful voice calls, "Karkat! Come in!"  
You blush a bit and stroll in. You figure you should be used to this by now, but you really aren't.  
"Hi, Terezi," you mutter, dropping your bag on the kitchen counter.  
She smiles widely in your general direction and puts dow the dish she was washing. You often forget she can't see you. "Nice to hear you, dumbass! It's been too long!"  
"Shut the fuck up! You saw me yesterday!"  
"Whatever," she complains, frowning exaggeratedly. She then starts to shout, "Guys, come see-"  
You put your hand over her mouth as quickly as you can. "Terezi," you hiss. "Can't I ever just talk to you?!"  
She sighs and points to the couch. Both of you sit down next to each other, and she asks you how your day was.  
"Get this," you laugh, "Dave brought home a troll off the street! I can't wait to see his face tomorrow when he realizes what a handful they are. I still can't believe you own three. Three, for god's sake! And to think I agreed to take care of them when you're at work..."  
Terezi giggles and brushes a strand of auburn hair out of her eyes in a way that just had to be purposefully attractive. "Now I have to meet them! Is it a boy or a girl?"  
"Girl. She's a seadweller, I think. Pink blood or something."  
"Tyrian purple," Terezi corrects you. "Really nice shade."  
"Yeah, she's kind of adorable," you admit grudgingly. "How's work?"  
Terezi laughs in that weird cackle of hers. "What would change? A bunch of cases where I keep people from losing a bunch of money. It's pretty boring."  
You shrug. "It would probably hurt my head if you tried to explain."  
"So how are those roommates of yours?" Terezi teased. "Still annoying you to no end?"  
"John's okay. Dave's mainly the issue."  
"Someday I'll have to meet Dave, see what all this fuss is about! He sounds cool."  
You gag. "As if. He's just a poser. Do yourself a favour and never go anywhere near him."  
Terezi rolled her eyes as she picked up her briefcase. "Don't bet on it! Maybe you could give him my number... You know, so I could help out with the troll. Now, I have to get to work. Thanks for babysitting again. You're going to be payed handsomely, I promise."  
"I better," you mutter and wave as Terezi shouts, "Vriska! Gamzee! Sollux! I'm off to work!"  
The three little trolls burst out from their room and swarm her, everyone saying goodnight and goodbye. They were kind of cute when they weren't being pains in the butt.  
But then, suddenly, they were. "Karkaaaaaaaat!" Vriska yells. "C'mere! Come on come on come ON! We made you something!"  
You gulp, but let the three drag you away. You know all there is to know about trolls, and these ones are still terrible.


	3. Chapter 3

You try to stifle your yawn. You and John had made the couch into a makeshift bed, and now Feferi's fast asleep. It's pretty late, and you don't want to wake her.  
Suddenly, the door flies open. You jump and move back into the shadows of the your bedroom door, silently watching as Karkat tosses his stuff on the floor and kicks off his shoes. You have no idea where he works, but he always comes home really late like this.  
He hovers for a second over the couch and kneels down next to it. It looks like Feferi woke up.  
"Who're you?" she asks, puzzled.  
"I'm Karkat," he whispers.  
"Hi Crabcatch."  
"Karkat," he corrected, his pale face flushing. "Like a car and a cat. Beep beep meow."  
"Carcrab?"  
He sighs and a smile dances on his lips for just a second. "Okay. Whatever. Go to sleep. Now."  
Feferi nods enthusiastically and closes her eyes as Karkat turns around and stomps towards his room.  
"Hey Beep Beep Meow," you call to him, smirking. "I thought adopting a troll was stupid."  
"If we trust you to take care of her, she'll be dead by tomorrow morning. You'll probably drop her out the window for fuck's sake. I'm not going to pay a penny, because this is your stupid endeavor, but I'm also not letting some douchbag play daddy."  
You've never seen this weird, soft, overprotective side of him. It's a bit worrying. Despite this, you laugh and say, "You just want to take care of her 'cause she's adorable and you have a soft heart under that disgusting crunchy cover."  
"It's late, Strider," Karkat mutters through gritted teeth. "I'm going to bed. Good night."  
"What, not going to invite me to join you?" you joke. It's always fun to tick off Karkat.  
"You wish!"  
As if.


	4. Chapter 3 and a half (Intermission 1)

-You are now speaking with a fellow troll owner in your area-

You: Hi!

Rose: Hello, my name is Rose.

You: I'm John, nice to meet you!

Rose: Considering you're on this site, you've recently acquired a troll?

You: Oh, yeah! My roommate adopted her earlier today. Her name's Feferi. She's around three solar sweeps, I think. She looks that old.

Rose: Well, my own little one is called Eridan. He's a seadweller, violet blood. Three sweeps as well.

You: What a coincidence! Feferi's a seadweller too. Fuchsia blood.

Rose: Really? Wow, you don't see those around often!

You: What do you mean?

Rose: Seadwellers themselves are uncommon, but most are violet blood. Tyrian purple is very rare.

You: Really? We just found her abandoned and took her in. She was wearing rags and everything!

Rose: Hm... I wonder what could have happened? If they no longer wanted her, any owner with common sense would have sold her to a more willing owner. Would've been good money.

You: I guess whoever left her there was either an idiot or filthy rich.

Rose: A real conundrum. Anyway, you're new to this?

You: Yeah. We only found her earlier today.

Rose: Well, if you need any help, I'm a click away!

You: Some help would be nice now, please!

Rose: Well, since she's a seadweller, make sure she has access to water. She'll eat just about anything, though if she's been on the street for a while, try to avoid richer foods for a few days. Buy a lot of salt. There are websites online where you can enter the amount of water and it tells you how much salt to add to make it feel like the ocean. It's hard work, but it makes them feel more at home when the water feels like it does in their natural habitat.

You: Wow. That's quite a lot. Thanks for the help, I'll ask if I need anything else!

Rose: Okay. Nice meeting you, John! If you want, we could arrange for the two of them to meet. It would be an interesting interaction, I think!

You: Wow, okay! I'll talk to Dave and Karkat about it. They're my roommates, we're all sharing responsibility over her.

Rose: I look forward to meeting them, then!

You: You too?

Rose: Good night, John.

You: Night!


	5. Chapter 4

It's really early. You barely slept after that run-in with Karkat. Something about the way he was talking to her really got to you, for some reason. But that wasn't important, because today you were going to go shopping.

Feferi's munching on cereal in the other room, talking loudly between gulps about swimming. She turned out to be pretty easy to care for, and was already treating you like family. You're pretty sure Bro would approve of your totally un-ironic brotherly affection for the little troll. But he might not approve of your totally un-ironic shopping spree.

"Feferi, come on, we're going to the store," you tell her, grabbing a cloth bag from the closet and pulling the door open.

She jumps down from the couch, wearing her new 'dress'- John's old Ghostbusters t-shirt. That shirt brings back good memories, but it isn't particularly prime for a little troll. Which is exactly why you're sneaking out at seven in the morning. To buy children's clothes.

Feferi dances over. "Thank you! Thank you, thank you! I like you, you're nice!"

You smile, and it's definitely not ironic. It's only your second day trying to care for her, and Feferi has already grown on you, and you on her.

You try to hold her hand but she stoutly refuses, and whines a bit when you insist on taking the elevator. "We're in the penthouse apartment, Feferi. I am not walking down the stairs from the top floor."

Eventually you manage to drag her into the elevator, and you ignore her chatter as best you can. Her voice was cute at first, but when she talks that much, it's only cute in a slightly ironic way. You know what Bro would say about that. "Slightly ironic?! Damn it, Dave, we are Striders. It's all ironic or you're doing it wrong." At least, you think he would. Your internal dialogue is a bit off, especially after not having heard him for so long. You wish he hadn't left. Ironically, of course.

But it wasn't time to worry about that kind if thing. It was time to worry about walking down the street with a troll in a slime-ghost shirt while still looking cool. Usually the shades did the trick, but this wasn't usual. You'd have to act like it was a new trend or something. No, that's stupid. It wasn't a trend yet. But when people saw you doing it, they'd be all over that trend. All over it.

Sadly, even this musing didn't save you from the embarrassment. But you've reached a Target, so you didn't fail completely.

Feferi walks into the store and looks around like she's been to a thousand Targets. Or maybe she's just went shopping with a thousand caretakers. No way to know.

You kneel down next to the troll so the two of you are eye-to-eye "Feferi, we have a good amount money to spend. That does not mean that you are leaving here with ten gold rings engraved with your initials. That means you can choose some clothes out yourself instead of me buying the least expensive thing. Okay?"

"Okay! Thank you!" She races in the direction you're pointing, towards the kids clothes, and disappears down the aisle. You follow her, knowing full well that Bro would not approve. When he adopted you, did he go shopping first thing the next morning? No. He forged you a katana out of pure irony and gifted you with the shades that once graced his own face. He made you a Strider. This kid might fit in better in the Egbert family tree.

Feferi proved you wrong, however. As you're thinking, you feel a tug on your arm and look down to see her little face adorned with sparkly pink shades. "Now I look like you!"

You laugh and nod. You had no idea how John would react, but the shades were so adorable, you just had to get them for her. "Why don't we focus on clothes instead? C'mon, here are some things..."

You try to point things out, but Feferi isn't paying you any attention. She's already handed you a pink tank top, a pair of shorts that's neon green on one side and baby blue on the other, and similarly sweet and childish articles. In only a few minutes she has finished grabbing things, and the pile is reasonable enough. As a reward, you let her browse the toys area.

Just then, your phone vibrates in your jeans pocket. Pulling it out, you see it's from John, and hastily answer.

"Dave," he says, "do me a favour and buy a lot of table salt!"

"Why?!"

"So I found this troll owner help site where they match you up with another troll owner in your area. This girl I found, Rose, has a seadweller too, and she told me- did you know Feferi's blood is really really rare? Like, almost mutation rare! I wonder why somebody left her in the-"

"JOHN. Why am I buying copious amounts of salt. Just tell me."

"Feferi's a seadweller, so she naturally is used to seawater. Rose showed me a link to a website that shows how much salt to put into bath water and stuff for it to be like saltwater. It's good. Just buy the salt."

"Fine. Have you heard from Karkat? He was acting really weird yesterday." You casually begin making your way to the help desk in an attempt to locate salt. If they have salt here.

"He's still asleep. What do you mean, weird?"

"He was talking to Feferi and stuff, and he was a natural. I wonder..."

"Maybe he just has a soft spot for kids. Anyway, I have to go. Rose is pestering me."

"'Pestering?'"

"Fine, she's trying to talk to me. Whatever! Bye!"

"Later, Egbert." You hang up. "Feferi, c'mon, I'm gonna pay."

The little bundle of joy in question hurtles out of the toy aisle with a giant smile on her face. In her hand is a plastic crown with a fake pink jewel in the center. "Can I get it, Davey Jones? Can I?"

You stare down at her. You aren't quite a billionaire. You didn't have that much money to give away on useless overpriced junk. But she obviously wanted it so badly...

"Fine," you sigh, looking at the price tag. It wasn't that much, you could definitely afford to spend the extra dollars. The good thing about Bro leaving to go who knows where- the group consensus was probably Japan to beat up some ninjas- is that he left you basically all of the money. You're pretty much filthy rich. So no matter what Bro would say about it, you can afford this completely un-ironic shopping spree for the kid you completely un-ironically adopted.


	6. Chapter 5

You should be writing. You want to be writing. But you just can't write.

There are many reasons why you can't write. Your internet is down. You have no idea where your journal is. But the main reason is that Eridan is bugging you again.

He tugs on your sleeve with a frown on his expensive little face. "Rose, w-when do w-we get to meet your friend," he w-whined, trying his hardest to look completely adorable.

"Soon, Eridan," you sigh. "I talked to John, and he said they would come later today, okay?"

"Do you think Fef w-will like me?"

You smile at him and ruffle his hair. "Of course she'll like you, you're the most charming young man in the world."

"W-watch the hair," he giggles, trying to fix his purple streak to no avail. He tries to glare at you but fails miserably, instead just looking silly.

"Want to hear some of my latest manuscript?" you ask, pulling out the rough copy of the sequel to your bestselling novel, Complacency of the Learned. You had yet to send it to your editor, as the first editor your writing meets is always your little violet prince.

The prince in question furled his brow and muttered, "You're still w-writing about fake stuff like w-wizards?"

You frown at him disapprovingly and say, "They don't exist in real life, but you have to open your imagination and believe in them. It's much more fun."

Eridan huffed and turned away, crossing his arms. "Fun is stupid. W-we have to be serious if w-we are goin to go far in life."

You roll your eyes and return to scanning the document in your hand just as the doorbell rings. Finally. But opening the door reveals, instead of the intrepid young prankster and ironically sweet coolkid you had expected, a girl with dark skin and hair that was swept up and curled.

"Kanaya," you greeted her gladly, embracing your partner. "So nice to see you, but this is a bit unexpected! I'm actually waiting for company."

Kanaya flushed bright red. "Oh, so sorry if I am interrupting! I was just in the neighborhood, and I suppose..."

"No, no, it's fine!" you assure her, stepping to the side and gesturing for her to enter. "Anytime! Why, you could even stay to meet my guests. A few beginner troll owners. They found her abandoned in the street."

Kanaya winced as she sat down on the couch. "The cruelty to animals lately is horrible... You would never do that to Eridan. Well, you are a good person. Some people just are not."

You nod understandingly and sit next to her. "But why would they abandon such a rare breed? Tyrian purple blood. Amazing. Very expensive."

"I guess we will have to get to the bottom of it, so to speak," Kanaya suggests. "Do not think you're going to do this alone. I will stay and try to figure it out with you and your friends."

You grin and hug her briefly. "A mystery suited to a couple of sharp detectives. Kanaya, you're the best."

"I know that."

Suddenly, a knock on the door interrupted your embrace. "That's John," you mutter. "About time."


	7. Chapter 5 and a half (Intermission 2)

(Authors note: Hi! thank you so much for reading, following, and reviewing my story, I really appreciate it. I'm really sorry I haven't been posting lately, I've been on vacation and being back has been pretty hectic. I'm especially sorry that I finally post something and it's just a pesterlog. Again, my apologies. Though, I promise, the next chapter will be VERY LONG. Ish. It's hard... Anyway, thank you, please leave me some criticism, I appreciate your input :D)

-You are now speaking with a fellow troll owner in your area-  
You: hi rosey  
Rose: John?  
You: no its feferi  
Rose: Hello dear.  
You: can i tak to eridan  
Rose: Of course.  
Rose: hi fef.  
You: hi 38D  
Rose: wwhats that?  
You: its a smily with a tiara  
Rose: are you a princess?  
You: yes  
Rose: wwoww, ivve nevver met a real princess!  
You: you should bow down to me im so powerful  
Rose: but i don't havve to because im a prince!  
You: wow!  
Rose: do you wwant to be my princess?  
You: okay 38]  
Rose: wwhy dont wwe be moirails  
You: wats a morayeel  
Rose: its like one and only best friend forever and ever  
You: yes!  
Rose:  
Rose: thats a moirail sign thing  
You:


End file.
